Down + Out.

Lots of changes are happening in my life right now, and they’re changes I don’t feel all that good about. They’re also changes that I brought on to myself, so that’s a fun reality – when you’re completely to blame for your own shitstorm!

I know that things will improve and life will get better. But, it’s really difficult not to look back and think, “Where did I go wrong?” and then crawl back to fix your mistakes on your hands and knees. I’m generally a pretty optimistic person, but I’ve been a bit of an Eeyore lately. It doesn’t help that I haven’t seen my tail in weeks. WEEKS!

I’ve been in this position before, and it has always got better. In fact, it got so good that I thought it would never get any better – and then not surprisingly, it always did. Every year that I age (which just so happens to happen annually), I feel like I’m better than I was the prior year. All the trials and tribulations I’d been through had only made me a better, stronger person.

In late 2008, I auditioned for a cast that I really wanted to join. I thought that I was a shoe in. I had gone through all the training, was performing in a weekly show, received good feedback from my peers and directors and all my friends were rising up the ranks with me. I thought it was the year that we’d all make it together.

And then I didn’t. They did, but I didn’t.

When I found out, it felt like the end of the world. I was about to board a train when I got the call, and I hysterically cried the entire way home. (Which, by the way, subway crying might be the most embarrassing form of public crying.) It was Christmas Eve, so I ran home to my parents’ house and went straight to bed. I just kept thinking, “How could this happen to me? I’m so good at everything!” (I wasn’t.)

Eventually, I got over it. Christmas was fine that year. I think I got a Macbook, so that was pretty cool. I was able to show my face again at the theater with no troubles. And when the next round of auditions came around just a few months later, I no longer had to worry about what would happen if I didn’t get it. I had already faced rejection and knew that I would be fine.


Then other people started getting promoted to the mainstage cast… except me. And again, I felt like a failure and a fool. And when I made the cast eventually, it felt right. AND LIFE WAS THE BEST AND COULDN’T GET ANY BETTER!

And then I moved to Los Angeles and was really down and out for a while. Nobody was even responding to my applications. Nobody wanted anything to do with me whatsoever. And then, one company did reach out for an interview. And when I went in for my first interview, it felt like the perfect fit. I went back for a second and third interview and when I finally got the call and accepted the role, LIFE WAS THE BEST AND COULDN’T GET ANY BETTER.

And, well, you know the rest. Eventually, the high wore off. I got passed up for promotions, eventually got the promotions and reveled in the excitement just enough for it to eventually wear off and/or be topped by some other exciting life event.

Cut to now, I’m feeling pretty down on my luck. I feel useless, hopeless and wishing I could just go back to the last time life seemed like it couldn’t get any better before I ruined it. But, from experience, I know that something even better is ahead of me. Or some bullshit.

I’ve seen lots of people go through tough times. I’ve watched close friends go through divorces and feel as though their lives were completely unraveling, only to see them completely grow and succeed in ways they never thought possible. They’ve moved cities. They’ve embarked on completely amazing careers. They’ve met new partners and fallen even more in love.

I’ve watched people lose their jobs, or quit their jobs, and not know what they were going to do. And then I’ve watched them find new jobs, go down different paths, go back to school, follow their passions or even start their own businesses.

I’ve also seen a man fall backward down a flight of stairs and somehow not break his neck.

Everything just feels so final when you’re hopeless. It feels like this is how it’s always going to be and that every decision that we make right now is going to be what the rest of our lives look like. And that’s not true. I mean, at one point we all thought we’d never hear about Mandy Moore again and now look at her! She’s starring on a hit show that I’ve never watched! And she’s real, real pretty.

Writing this probably won’t change my attitude and I’ll likely wake up tomorrow feeling just as down and out. But at least somewhere, deep down inside of me, I know that there’s going to be a day on the horizon where I think life cannot get any better.

And that day needs to hurry the fuck up because this bitch is tired.


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